destroyed

Destroyed
    “What were you like, before, she who ruined for all women you left you destroyed?”  Tami-Lyn asks rattling her whiskey rocks. I notice she’s nervous.
    “Lost me soul so long ago, I can’t recall, love,” I answer. I am not listening letting the music wash over me Lou Reed’s” Heroin”.  I am studying her trying to remember what attracted me to her. I am sussing it was that feral vibe, and she oozes sex, and idiot savant for painting   I could take the bait. I could mention that her friends with cameras for eyes have already told me about (Toby a name I actually associate with Hassidim girls in Crown Heights.)
    “You think I don’t know about the inked out bimbo with the nice big cum on my boobs! tits ” Tami-Lynn accuses.
“ T&T, “ I ask the bartender sliding the empty glass. “ Did he break your heart, destroy your delusions of love and now I am, as good as basically better than any? It comes out cold, matter of fact. Her pale blue eyes mist up.
I say what comes to mind “You want us, to slag him off.” Suddenly very aware of the switchblade in my pocket. Tami-Lynn laughs throw arms around me a giving salty deep kiss.
    “Oh god all you know to break an arm, or buy flowers,” Tami-Lynn said
says laughing. she wraps around me.
    I am flawed, ancient, and unrepentant.  I might just take out Toby on general principles. I am not a weepy millennial, who happened to a woman way out of his league.  I am something that nothing in his life could have prepared him for me .
    “You can call me by her name and, make love to me. I’ll wear my little black dress and fuck me hard pumps  for you .” Tami-Lynn said.  a sad look on her face and a quiver in her voice and upper lip.
    “I am with you, not her,  she is dead you know “ I  answer taking her hand kissing it softly. “Sometimes in bed, your body is next to me but you’re in some unreachable place  I wonder” Tami-Lynn. Staring earnestly.
I don’t want nor need to call you by her name, and please don’t become a suicide  Blonde. Each one takes a piece of me I am not destroyed. I don’t believe in Angels, then I look at you and wonder.  I wasn’t destroyed just changed better, or worst? I have always been radge. Do I exist betwixt worlds, that could have been the good kit. Don’t over think it. Just be with me. Just be us. Don't be destroyed