Dollhouse 

Nikita runs every morning in Memorial Park. I awake to the sound of the music she puts on and her showering. I brush my teeth and join her. Something in her kiss, melancholy, distant. We dry each other, and she pulls me to bed, “Lets’ skip class” she says with a smile forced? In bed she‘s urgent there’s a desperation. There’s a need. She Orgasms quickly again and again, but the hunger is still there

This started in class. I was leaving my maths class and Nikkita stopped me. “What’s that around your neck?” 

I tuck the medal back under my faded Motorhead T, and answer it's a medal of San Martin de Porres.  It was my grandmothers I never take it off.”

“I knew it you believe in things! You feel things!” she says excitedly. I am taking this all in Here is this stunner of a blonde all over me or, what’s left of me. I stare into her pale blue eyes. The rest of the class stares at us leaving, as Dr Nasser gives me a thumbs up and a wink as he walks by. 

“Coffee, beer, me? You’re driving I can’t “ I ask.

“Beer, you know a place?” She answers. I will find out over a beer that turns into 3 she is married. She is very Catholic, but there’s chemistry. Married woman if she will kiss me she will bed me; I have done this before. Since hospital married seems to be all I do.

I take her by the hand outside warm summer night I pull her to me

I kiss her and she responds undulating and wrapping a leg around mine. 

I walk her to her car, this kiss is gentle she stares before speaking and just stammers.

It stays that way then a week later she shows up in class with her nose in a splint. Nikkita asks “Will you go to the doctor, with me?”

I am staring at her and just say, “Yes, what happened?” 

She opens her mouth no sound comes just a hurt sound. I hold her the class be damned. In the car top up she is embarrassed. In the car, in between sobs Nikkita says last night we had sex, and I, I, I couldn’t I was thinking of you, and he got angry. He was screaming, because I have never been like, that before. . softly sobbing.

“You can stay with me tonight, no expectations, no strings just a place to be and be safe. It's small the neighbourhood is not posh, but safe. No one going to hurt you. I promise, and being bulletproof makes that makes it easy, nothings going to touch you now. “

“Just let me think, first the doctor.”’ Nikkita answers. 

Of course, love.”

I wait outside having a cigarette. She comes out a smile despite bandages. “They can fix it! A Romanian nose like I was born with!”

She gives me a tight hug, and a long passionate kiss. 

“I am starved, “ Nikkita said. I picture the contents of my refrigerator, a carton of cigarettes, diet coke a bottle of Dom, and a few containers of take-away.  

“I know a few places breakfast tacos, or eggs and bacon?”

“Eggs I am from Nebraska.” 

“You’re not going to eat?” Nikkita asks. After we order

“Coffee, and cigarettes –breakfast of the champions,” I answer staring into those pale blue pools my gaze dropping to her full cleavage.

“Can we go to mass together?” she asks tentatively.

“Yes, now?” 

I answer

Later, soon she answers holding my hand tightly.   I am feeling her warm and wanting.

“Can I ask, she stammers.

“I shot it out last year, stopped 10 rounds 3 in the head. You’re not born this pretty

 “Oh my God! I was going to ask how old you are, you have a baby’s face, but you’re hard, but yes pretty.

“I am 24, and yes I have seen a few things, done a few things died, all that,” I answer. 

“I am 36,” Nikkita says.

“36 DD would be my guess,” I said

“I am serious Nikkita answered.

I pull her close to me and kiss her, “so am I “I said.

“She giggles.

“Want to go to my flat?” I said. She lays a ten’r down for breakfast we make our way to the car park. I guide her to my flat.  She parks her Alfa Romeo. I assure her it will be OK.  I’ll explain later, but in the manor, no one, touches my things.”

“” Welcome” I open the door a look of amusement and wonder crosses her face.  

“Can I use your restroom, please? Nikita ask

s 

“You can use our bathroom?” I Answer.  

“This is so fast,” Nikkita says.

“I am sure. everything I have you’re welcome to stay if you like. “ 

I don’t have any clothes. I need to go to the house tomorrow and get clothes. 

“I am going with you” I said picking up an HK compact .45 

“I don’t have make-up anything just what I am wearing and 500$ cash, that's my money. I was an executive with AT & T before I moved here from Nebraska. I run is there any place close to run. 

“We’re not far I’ll show you in the morning, look you can sleep in one of my T’s   I’ll take the sofa, do you like Vietnamese food?

” I don’t know, let’s find out?” Nikita said. picking up her handbag “I am buying you dinner.”

“You don’t have to, I said. 

I get her a Vietnamese coffee on entering the pho hut. and spring rolls are the 2 favourites. Her mood lightens up as we eat. 

“I am feeling better pain meds and you” Nikkita says I can pay my way.”

“I know you were fooled by the opulence of my efficiency, but all I need is that smile,” I answer.

I am rewarded with a kiss. I know better, but I am beginning to give a fuck, that never works for me; here I go again.

Next morning, we go to the townhouse she retrieves things while her husband watches. I watch her husband. 

Days turn into weeks. somehow we move to a nice flat, in an upscale postal code. Furniture everything.  It feels good, and never trust feeling good.

I go outside in the merciless August heat and blinding sun for a cigarette.  I come back she looks alien. Somehow I am not recognising. She’s putting the phone down.  On the bed is her valise, and its full. 

“I am going back to him”

“Back to the dollhouse to be seen, not heard a trophy the same age as his youngest daughter.” I say angrily this hurts more than, I will admit, or show. It feels like being gutted very slowly

“You knew this wasn’t forever I do love you” she says sweetly. Her eyes 

Pleading moist she wants’ absolution. “Rent is paid for 6 months stay. She gives me her key. Ouch.

OK, this won’t change anything, but could you be with me one more time, or am I, Jezebel?”

“I can do that that always works for us,” I answer. I follow her to the bedroom she's stripping for a moment she hasn’t ripped my heart out. The sex is passionate as it. ever was. I shower after. “I will get out of your way.” I say towelling dry 

“Don’t say that you were my saviour, my lover, My king.” Now sobbing 

“Everything is past tense we’re noticing “I answer it comes out harsher than I intended.

“You and Ray are a lot alike., you both have to have “that” girl, yes I was prom Queen at UNO, modelled before I got serious. In saw your old photos met those women when we went out, I am a prize.” She answers.

“No, sadly no I love you, and now the dollhouse for life “I am doing my best stiff upper lip when she leaves, I am making a drink to wash down the dime bag.

“I’m does nothing like him, I would never hurt you, I ‘d rather stop another bullet. He’s weak and not worthy of your love. “I answer and turn away. I am going cold what might follow she doesn’t deserve it. These have been good days, I felt more alive than dead.

“The rent is paid for 3 months.   I will always care about you; you will find that girl or she will find you. I never meant to hurt you”  Nikkita says she doesn’t look back.  I say nothing I light a cigarette, I am sussing I can smoke inside now. I put on Nine Inch Nails.